This newsletter/blog is about living a meaningful life and is not intended to be sociopolitical commentary - usually. You can find that anywhere. My activist days are long done, unless you count gardening as activism, which I don’t. Yet, I have some things I’d like to share that have been in me trying to push their way out. In a couple weeks, when I have finished writing and sharing about this, I will return to the usual astrology-creativity-herbology-et cetera content. In the meantime, skip it if you want, unsubscribe if you want, or continue to read and enjoy. This is another piece that’s more high-level; next week I’ll share some of my personal story.
The audio above is me reading this newsletter, for anyone who prefers to listen than read. Plus a couple announcements.
View from the outside pt. 2
I thought trauma was something that happened when you were young and powerless, and then healed from as an adult, by and by. I didn’t know that I had this belief until it was soundly disproven.
I knew there could be disastrous things like war, or the death of a child, that could cause new trauma as an adult, but I thought maybe that was the exception not the norm. In my own adult life, I faced any number of difficulties, none of them enormous in the scheme of things, and none as difficult as certain things in my childhood - mainly just because as an adult I could walk away.
I can see now how unconscious, American, and arrogant that view was. (I am not being hard on myself here; it’s just true.)
The pandemic gave me, and a lot of us, new trauma.
For some, the trauma came in an obvious way: The death of a loved one, or several. For others it had to do with working in the medical field, in institutions which were woefully unprepared for dealing with the threat of a novel infectious disease. For others, it had to do with being isolated in their homes for long periods of time and not being able to access necessary support networks - all while taking in a steady drip of media that set them into a severe and chronic stress response. For others, it had to do with feeling terribly isolated from people they had been close to because they had different beliefs and thoughts about the nature of the pandemic: Its causes, effects and cure(s). That one rippled out a few different ways. One of those ways was that people who chose not to get the covid shot were often treated as untouchables.
The whole thing has felt like a divide and conquer strategy.
I’m not going to spend my time or energy speculating on who exactly was strategizing and what the end game is, if there is one. Certainly, there are some bad actors. I have some ideas, but other than news outlets that earn money based on views - and emotionally charged content gets a lot more attention than anything level-headed - and other businesses and individuals which had a lot to gain financially here - I don’t think I’m in a position to actually know what’s going on.
Whatever the causes and motives, what I saw around me was Divide and Conquer. This is an extremely effective strategy. It’s hard to counteract. If seeds of distrust are sewen between people, it’s very hard to build that trust again. I don’t know how possible it is, really, on a large scale. But on an individual level, we can always open our hearts and start anew. That’s one of the gifts of a human life.
Black and white thinking and the stress response
I need you to do the same things as me for me to be safe.
I need you to do the same things as me or you are a very bad person who is endangering my vary existence.
I need you to agree with me, validate my choices, and never poke a hole in my worldveiw or you are dangerous.
This is the way we think when we are under severe stress.
Black and white thinking is a characteristic of the stress response, both in short-term situations and long-term situations where our stress response keeps getting reactivated around the same stuff.
If we read the news or were on social media at all in that year from spring of 2020 to spring of 2021, we were pumped absolutely full of fear.
If you were someone who fell into this pattern and you are reading this, and it feels scary because I am holding up the mirror, I want you to know that none of this makes you a ‘bad person’ either. You were a person under extreme stress.
Black and white thinking, moral exclusion, and scapegoating are all common things people do when they are terrified.
This is part of being human. The question is, what do you want to do now? Have you been able to get yourself to a more settled place, and can you now bring your higher thinking capabilities and your compassion, back online?
Attachment trauma and the covid story
Learning about attachment trauma/attachment styles has been huge for me in the past few years. My cousin loaned me a copy of the book Attached and told me to read it, and that was the beginning. That book is not really fair to avoidant people, and it isn’t the whole story either, but it was a really good start for me. If you aren’t a psychology nerd like me and don’t know what I’m talking about at all, I would nutshell it that as social creatures who depend on each other, ideally, we are securely attached. It feels much better to everyone. But lots of people have insecure attachment and are anxious, avoidant or both. (There are different ways of understanding why this is, and how it all works out.)
People who are securely attached want closeness and love and connection. They know they want it and feel comfortable wanting it. They aren’t unduly scared that love and closeness will be withdrawn from them suddenly and they likewise aren’t scared of the closeness itself unless it is totally smothering.
Then there is the rest of us…
Avoidant people also want closeness/love/etc., but then when people get too close it actually scares them. They don’t always recognize they are scared of closeness but instead tell themselves they just like to be independent, or that some other person (the ‘one who got away’, some madeup fantasy person) is more right for them than the person they are with. This can have a lot of nuance and can show up in different ways.
Anxiously attached people are those who get very scared and anxious when they perceive love and connection being withdrawn from them. That’s me, although I have become more secure over time. Anxious attachment can manifest as jealousy sometimes, or clinginess, or hyperreactivity to things like sending a text to your lover or partner and them not getting back to you for a few hours. If you are anxiously attached, not hearing back from someone like that can easily lead to an anxiety spiral, to your anxiety ratcheting up moment by moment, and the situation feeling like life or death.
(This is a whole, big, fat topic I’m skimming the surface of, and obviously I’m not a psychologist I’m just a person who reads.)
The way people talk about attachment is often in regard to romantic relationships, but if you are anxious or avoidant it will show up in nearly every area of your life: Money, friendships, jobs, relationships with colleagues and clients, any relationship you have.
Once I started to see anxious attachment in myself, I saw it in most areas of my life. It was obvious, and nearly all of my crazy showed up when my attachment system was activated.
[actual photo of me, age 24]
This is all stuff you can heal though. You can create secure attachment as an adult, bit by bit, so don’t feel bad or like you are doomed if you see these characteristics in yourself. I’m much more secure than I used to be because I’ve done a lot of emotional healing work to create internal security. The method I’ve personally benefitted from the most is To Be Magnetic, but as my dad says, there are many roads up mount Fuji.
I am taking the time to lay all this out here because for myself, and I think a lot of other people too, the covid experience activated our attachment systems.
Any person who is anxiously attached - it doesn’t matter your belief system around covid - my guess is that it activated your attachment system. Situations arose in which you felt abandoned, you felt betrayed, you felt terrified. Or you felt the potential for those feelings and you ran hard in the direction that brought security and a sense of safety. Perhaps you fell into black and white thinking and blame. I think even some securely attached people felt and did these things, because as I said at the start, this experience gave us new trauma. I’m not sure it has to connect back to something in childhood.
The invitation is to bring our compassion for ourselves and for others, and our logical thinking, back online.
What if you didn’t blame anyone for anything? But instead, met yourself and the world in each moment, anew?
What if you promised the most vulnerable and despised parts of yourself, I will always, always love you and care for you. I will never leave you. And really meant it?
What if you took all your pain and let it crack you open, and once you did, you found something kind of like bliss?
What if you really knew that there is nothing in the outside world that is not also inside of you?
Yes we have had new trauma. Can you love yourself and others again, even through that?
While you’re here
🎧You can also listen to the Soil & Stars podcast on your favorite podcasting service. The last episode was: 15. View from the outside, part 1.
🕯Get the Know Your Chart, Know Your Self Workshop.
👩🏻🏫Want me to teach an astrology class at your event or business or online community? (Or one you are a part of). Or give mini readings at your party or some cool venue? Email me soilandstarsart@gmail.com and we can talk.
💫Book an astrology reading with me here to get my support during this juncture of your life
🦝 Get your sticker sheet and the postcard book here
Wild Roots People’s Clinic, the free herbal clinic where I volunteer, has a great new website and clinic is still happening second Saturdays of every month in Omaha.
Thanks for being here. Next week I’ll share some of my own personal story. Until next time, take care of yourself today -
Mollie
View from the outside part 2